But they’re your family

There is a silent epidemic causing havoc in the mental health community. It is one of the most agonizing and shame-inducing events that our society finds challenging to discuss. As humans, many of us have been involved in unhealthy or dysfunctional relationships. The reality is that when we find ourselves in toxic relationships outside of our family, we can develop the tools and techniques to fund ourselves and set boundaries in order to sustain a healthy relationship as a means to an end. But what happens when toxic relationships follow you home? 

In Australia it is estimated one in twelve families is impacted by the grief, heartache and isolation caused by family estrangement. One in every 25 adults is estranged from a family member including their own parents. As a culture, it is not uncommon to know someone who knows someone who has stopped communicating with their parent or adult kid. But why? Is alienation becoming the new normal when things don't go your way? No, it is a last choice when the emotional toll of months or even years of trying to make it work is too much to bear. In my work with mothers and daughters affected by estrangement, there hasn't been a single client who hasn't agonized about their decision to walk away. 

Reality #1: But they’re your family.. The silent shame

Oh, I am no longer in contact. In my line of work, when an adult expresses this information, it is commonly followed by the phrase "but they're your family." As a culture, we've spent years punishing the person who was strong enough to eventually walk away and prioritize their own emotional well-being with words that impose shame, guilt, and a sense of self-wrongdoing impacting their ability to express themselves without fear of judgement. When someone walks away from their family, it causes so much pain that most of us could never understand.

Yes, the well-meaning expression "they are your family" is valid; nevertheless, behind the appearance of family, we fail to offer space for questioning the insidious abuse that takes place. The reality is that either parent or child might be the source of the abuse or the victim, therefore there is no universal fix in this situation.

Reality #2: Boundaries are futile 

Most of us understand that setting limits is a method of saying yes to ourselves and others. Boundaries are not a bad word; rather, they provide an opportunity to voice our needs and be heard in a safe and respectful setting. What happens when boundaries do not work. Unfortunately, whether the abuse is perpetrated by a parent or a child, a common element is a lack of regard for communicating the need for ground rules in the interest of repair. One of the most common dynamic is  one person expresses an intention to connect with healthy ground rules in order to decrease their chance of exposure to toxic behavior.

In reaction, the other either (a) temporarily honors those boundaries to have a connection, or (b) ignores the request for boundaries, exhibiting a heightened sense of rage and disappointment, resulting in additional abuse. (c) engages in reactive abuse by sending many humiliating text messages placing demands  until they have severed the emotional connection, leaving the relationship unsustainable.

Reality #3: Walking away is not “easy” it is the hardest thing someone will ever do!

The emotionally fatigued client who attends counseling feels overwhelmed by their decision to leave away. Whether the person responsible is a parent or a child, the person left to deal with the pain is not at ease. Family "should" be one of the few places where someone feels secure to be nurtured, protected, and directed; but, many of us know this is not the case. Unfortunately, after years of attempting to establish appropriate boundaries, promote rupture, and repair, maintaining the connection becomes difficult.

Emotionally intense and damaging, the potentially meaningful relationship is rife with memories of emotional abuse and neglect. Some of the most typical recollections given by clients who have walked away include being plagued with constant text messages with unrealistic demands, humiliation, and degradation from individuals who are supposed to love them.

Reality #5 The disconnected mother… 

As a counsellor, I've worked with many mothers who have been cut off from their adult children. The mother, who recalls how she fed her child in her womb, was overjoyed at their love at first sight of birth, witnessed their first steps, and so much more, is in excruciating anguish. She can't figure out what she did or didn't do to cause her older children to reject a relationship. The separated mother is attempting to contact her children and finds it difficult to stop wondering when she become so "terrible."

This woman is continually troubled by the fact that her children refuse to communicate with her. She has been expelled from the roles of mother and grandmother and is unable to tolerate the degrees of separation. This mother had to walk away from her adult children who treated her so badly that she couldn't bear the grief. Other mothers have been cut off by their adult children... The work of sitting with the estranged mother is complex, requiring compassionate enquiry and attention to detail to assist her in navigating the world without being a mother to her children anymore.

Reality #6 The daughter who walked away

The adult daughter who has walked away frequently describes negotiating a terrible relationship with her mother for years and decades. Her mother, an emotionally immature parent who parentified her, referred to her as "fat" and shamed her for her body and lifestyle choices. She recalls growing up needing to be the "good girl" who was always willing to help. She was responsible and didn't dare to say no to her mother. Boundaries were unsuccessful attempts to get some space but were never respected.

This daughter recalls being punished for her independence, and attempts to develop a sense of self were met with "you're such a disappointment, I raised you better than this, or I am your mother, it is my job to tell you what is what." When she expressed her need for limits to reduce her exposure to toxic behavior, she was met with resistance and open disrespect. She is met with animosity, as the scapegoat for disappointing her mother, and she sits in the pain of everything she desired but could never have. She yearns for the caring, warmth, and affection she sees in movies and hears from friends, but she also mourns the loss of a mother who is still alive.

Is healing an opportunity to repair? Family estrangement is a complicated conversation that necessitates specialised assistance to restore the damage inflicted by years of emotional trauma. Counsellors in this area help with individuals who have anxiety, depression, difficulty navigating boundaries, relationship breakdowns, and nervous system disorders. Most, if not all, clients suffer from emotional dysregulation, which causes their nervous system to be in a constant state of fight or flight.

Yes, if both parties are ready to undertake the work of repairing the relationship, there is potential for deeper healing and the formation of a new partnership based on trust and mutual respect, but this is not always achievable. Working to disentangle complex emotions in counseling involves releasing old trauma-based habits such as people pleasing, procrastination, overthinking, and self-harm. It is critical to establish a connection with one's sense of self and allow the body to release what no longer serves it. Do you need support in the area reach out to schedule a 15min free consultation with me today.

#goldcaostcounsellor #goldcoastcoomera #estragementcounselling #counsellornearme #motherdaughterhealing #familyrelationships

PANIC RELEASE

Did you know that one in six women in Australia suffers from anxiety? For me, I never thought I could have anxiety, and so when it hit me shortly after the start of the pandemic in late 2020 it was a rude shock to my nervous system. In my work with my clients, I remind them that we need a healthy amount of anxiety to keep us alive aka our survival energy. When high levels of anxious energy become trapped in our nervous system, we start to experience ongoing symptoms such as brain fog, difficulties in recall, feeling fatigue, chronic exhaustion, mood swings and constantly feeling on edge and out of control. This lack of control can create a sense of hopelessness, helplessness, and powerlessness and many women with anxiety also demonstrate symptoms of depression. 

For me, anxiety crept in making me hypervigilant suddenly everything and everyone around me became an unending series of real or perceived threat. My relationship with anxiety was turbulent leading me to engage in people pleasing, self-sabotage and overthinking constantly doubting my inherent capacity. It was exhausting, and I woke up more tired than when I went to sleep. Thus began the journey towards holistic healing. Working with my counsellor I learned one of the most phenomenal perspectives on anxiety, a wisdom I have since imparted to hundreds of clients each week in my clinic. 

What if a panic attack, was a panic release? Have you ever tossed a soft drink onto the floor, watched it tumble around and then opened it right up only to have a giant explosion in your face? I want you to hold onto this because that's exactly how I have helped women to regain control of their anxiety! You see, when we can reframe our inner dialogue and tell ourselves this is a panic release, we stay grounded and compassionate understanding that the pressure inside our nervous system has reached a breaking point, and it is time to lift the top and let some of the steam out! 

The key to releasing trapped anxiety is to go slow to grow fast. If we let out too much too quick, we can sink ourselves resulting in emotional dysregulation. If you suffer from regular panic attacks, I encourage you to practice this technique at home in the presence of a loving, supportive witness who can co-regulate with you. This could be a friend, partner, animal or even a stuffed toy which brings you comfort and safety! 

• Step 1: When you feel the anxiety building up take long deep breaths in through the nose and out through your mouth. We need to create space. 

• Step 2: Plant your feet firmly on the floor as opposed to sitting crossed legged or with your legs on the table or chair to help orient your nervous system into the current environment. 

• Step 3: Always remember you are in control, grounding is a powerful tool in taking control of the anxiety, anxiety is a part of you.

• Step 4: Let the trapped anxiety move through you, this could look like sudden outbursts of crying, shaking, feeling overwhelmed, racing thoughts or simply feeling completely out of control. I know it’s scary, but the key is to remind ourselves this is NOT an attack it is a release. The nervous system needs old thoughts, feelings and energy to find an exit point. 

When the movement has stopped ie., the release is complete try to take slow, deep breaths to regulate. Sink into a safe position and let your body relax it has done a great job! If you can drink some water to flush out old energy, take slow sips. Focus on what you say to yourself, we can often get stuck in the monkey mind. I want you to say I’m so proud of you! You did a great job! 

In the past three years since learning this technique I have taught many women to take control of their anxiety. A secret weapon that helped me to ground my own nervous system is reaching out for naturopathic support in addition to regular exercise, affirmations and gratitude practices. Grow gently!