But they’re your family

There is a silent epidemic causing havoc in the mental health community. It is one of the most agonizing and shame-inducing events that our society finds challenging to discuss. As humans, many of us have been involved in unhealthy or dysfunctional relationships. The reality is that when we find ourselves in toxic relationships outside of our family, we can develop the tools and techniques to fund ourselves and set boundaries in order to sustain a healthy relationship as a means to an end. But what happens when toxic relationships follow you home? 

In Australia it is estimated one in twelve families is impacted by the grief, heartache and isolation caused by family estrangement. One in every 25 adults is estranged from a family member including their own parents. As a culture, it is not uncommon to know someone who knows someone who has stopped communicating with their parent or adult kid. But why? Is alienation becoming the new normal when things don't go your way? No, it is a last choice when the emotional toll of months or even years of trying to make it work is too much to bear. In my work with mothers and daughters affected by estrangement, there hasn't been a single client who hasn't agonized about their decision to walk away. 

Reality #1: But they’re your family.. The silent shame

Oh, I am no longer in contact. In my line of work, when an adult expresses this information, it is commonly followed by the phrase "but they're your family." As a culture, we've spent years punishing the person who was strong enough to eventually walk away and prioritize their own emotional well-being with words that impose shame, guilt, and a sense of self-wrongdoing impacting their ability to express themselves without fear of judgement. When someone walks away from their family, it causes so much pain that most of us could never understand.

Yes, the well-meaning expression "they are your family" is valid; nevertheless, behind the appearance of family, we fail to offer space for questioning the insidious abuse that takes place. The reality is that either parent or child might be the source of the abuse or the victim, therefore there is no universal fix in this situation.

Reality #2: Boundaries are futile 

Most of us understand that setting limits is a method of saying yes to ourselves and others. Boundaries are not a bad word; rather, they provide an opportunity to voice our needs and be heard in a safe and respectful setting. What happens when boundaries do not work. Unfortunately, whether the abuse is perpetrated by a parent or a child, a common element is a lack of regard for communicating the need for ground rules in the interest of repair. One of the most common dynamic is  one person expresses an intention to connect with healthy ground rules in order to decrease their chance of exposure to toxic behavior.

In reaction, the other either (a) temporarily honors those boundaries to have a connection, or (b) ignores the request for boundaries, exhibiting a heightened sense of rage and disappointment, resulting in additional abuse. (c) engages in reactive abuse by sending many humiliating text messages placing demands  until they have severed the emotional connection, leaving the relationship unsustainable.

Reality #3: Walking away is not “easy” it is the hardest thing someone will ever do!

The emotionally fatigued client who attends counseling feels overwhelmed by their decision to leave away. Whether the person responsible is a parent or a child, the person left to deal with the pain is not at ease. Family "should" be one of the few places where someone feels secure to be nurtured, protected, and directed; but, many of us know this is not the case. Unfortunately, after years of attempting to establish appropriate boundaries, promote rupture, and repair, maintaining the connection becomes difficult.

Emotionally intense and damaging, the potentially meaningful relationship is rife with memories of emotional abuse and neglect. Some of the most typical recollections given by clients who have walked away include being plagued with constant text messages with unrealistic demands, humiliation, and degradation from individuals who are supposed to love them.

Reality #5 The disconnected mother… 

As a counsellor, I've worked with many mothers who have been cut off from their adult children. The mother, who recalls how she fed her child in her womb, was overjoyed at their love at first sight of birth, witnessed their first steps, and so much more, is in excruciating anguish. She can't figure out what she did or didn't do to cause her older children to reject a relationship. The separated mother is attempting to contact her children and finds it difficult to stop wondering when she become so "terrible."

This woman is continually troubled by the fact that her children refuse to communicate with her. She has been expelled from the roles of mother and grandmother and is unable to tolerate the degrees of separation. This mother had to walk away from her adult children who treated her so badly that she couldn't bear the grief. Other mothers have been cut off by their adult children... The work of sitting with the estranged mother is complex, requiring compassionate enquiry and attention to detail to assist her in navigating the world without being a mother to her children anymore.

Reality #6 The daughter who walked away

The adult daughter who has walked away frequently describes negotiating a terrible relationship with her mother for years and decades. Her mother, an emotionally immature parent who parentified her, referred to her as "fat" and shamed her for her body and lifestyle choices. She recalls growing up needing to be the "good girl" who was always willing to help. She was responsible and didn't dare to say no to her mother. Boundaries were unsuccessful attempts to get some space but were never respected.

This daughter recalls being punished for her independence, and attempts to develop a sense of self were met with "you're such a disappointment, I raised you better than this, or I am your mother, it is my job to tell you what is what." When she expressed her need for limits to reduce her exposure to toxic behavior, she was met with resistance and open disrespect. She is met with animosity, as the scapegoat for disappointing her mother, and she sits in the pain of everything she desired but could never have. She yearns for the caring, warmth, and affection she sees in movies and hears from friends, but she also mourns the loss of a mother who is still alive.

Is healing an opportunity to repair? Family estrangement is a complicated conversation that necessitates specialised assistance to restore the damage inflicted by years of emotional trauma. Counsellors in this area help with individuals who have anxiety, depression, difficulty navigating boundaries, relationship breakdowns, and nervous system disorders. Most, if not all, clients suffer from emotional dysregulation, which causes their nervous system to be in a constant state of fight or flight.

Yes, if both parties are ready to undertake the work of repairing the relationship, there is potential for deeper healing and the formation of a new partnership based on trust and mutual respect, but this is not always achievable. Working to disentangle complex emotions in counseling involves releasing old trauma-based habits such as people pleasing, procrastination, overthinking, and self-harm. It is critical to establish a connection with one's sense of self and allow the body to release what no longer serves it. Do you need support in the area reach out to schedule a 15min free consultation with me today.

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